MUSICAL JOKES

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Strings:

Violin / Viola Jokes

1) What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

2) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

A fiddle is fun to listen to.

3) Why are viola jokes so short?

So violinists can understand them.

4) How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

4) How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't get up that high!

5) String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."

6) Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?

Both are offensive and inaccurate.

7) What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?

No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

8) Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?

Violins don't have spit valves.

9) Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?

You might bend the nail.

10) Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."

11) "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

12) Q: How do you stop your violin getting stolen?
 
      A: Put it in a viola case.

13) How do you stop a violin from getting stolen?

Put it into a viola case

14) How do you get 2 viola players to play in tune?

Shoot one of them

15) How do you get a viola section to shut up?

Write solo over the parts

16) What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

A viola takes longer to burn

17) What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline

18) How do you get a viola player to play tremolo?

Give him a semibreve and mark it 'solo'

 

Cello Jokes

1) How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?

Write "pp, espressivo"

2) How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin.

Bass Jokes

1) Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?

2) How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

3) How do you make a double bass sound in tune?

Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

4) How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

5) A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor.

The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"

The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same \par as last year?"

6) There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physicist and existential philosophy and had a great time. A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time. Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while." After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"

7) A guitarist arrives at the rehearsal to find the bass player and the drummer fighting.
"What's going on?" he asked
The bass player replied "He de-tuned one of my strings!"
"That's OK" said the guitarist. "You can just tune it back up again".
"I can't" said the bass player. "He won't tell me which one!"

8) What is the difference between a bass player and a 14" pizza?
 A 14" pizza will feed a family of 4.

 

Harp Jokes

1) Why are harps like elderly parents?

Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

2) How long does a harp stay in tune?

About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.

3) What's the definition of a quartertone?

A harpist tuning unison strings.

 

Banjo Jokes

1) Q. What's the difference between a banjo and a  cattle grid?
A You drive slowly over the cattle grid...
 
2) You're driving down the street- there's an accordion on  one side and a banjo on the other ... which do you go for first?...... the accordion , because it' s business before pleasure. 

3) How do you know when you have a banjo player at your door?  He keeps getting louder and louder and doesn't know when to come in.

4) What is a definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss an accordion into the dumpster and it lands right on top of a banjo.

 

Keyboard:

Piano Jokes

1) What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.

2) What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

3) Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?

Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

4) Why was the piano invented?

So musicians would have a place to put their beer.

5) The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

Organ Jokes

1) The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

 

Woodwinds:

Flute / Piccolo Jokes

1) How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?

Shoot one.

2) Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Double Reed Jokes

1) Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?

The bassoon burns longer.

2) What is a burning oboe good for?

Setting a bassoon on fire.

3) What is the definition of a major second?

Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

4) How do you get an oboist to play A flat?

Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

5) Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bassoon recital.

6) What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?

A bad oboist can kill you.

Clarinet Jokes

1) How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

2) What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?

Gifted.

Saxophone Jokes

1) What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?

i) Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles. ii) The neighbours are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it. iii) The grip.

2) What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?

The exhaust.

Brass:

Trumpet Jokes

1) How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

2) What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?

I haven't a clue.

3) What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?

Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

4) How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?

"Hi. I'm better than you."

5) Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?

He's too sensitive.

6) In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"

7) What does a lead trumpet player use as a contraceptive? His personality!

8) What does vibrato mean to a brass player? open the spit valve.

9) Why shouldn't you take the trumpet section on a pub crawl? They are always a bar behind.

10) How many 3rd cornet players does it take to change a light bulb? None! they can't get that high!

11) What's the difference between a dressmaker and a baroque trumpeter?
A dressmaker tucks up frills

Trombone Jokes

1) What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?

i) Vibrato, though you can minimise this difference by holding the chain saw very still. ii) It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

2) How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?

i) Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste. ii) Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!

3) What is a gentleman?

Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

4) What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?

A optimist.

5) What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?

The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

6) How many trombonists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

7) What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?

"Year-At-A-Glance."

8) How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?

He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

9) What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?

On or off.

10) It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays.

11)  How do you spot a Trombonists Children in the playground?
 
There the one's that can't slide or swing!

French Horn Jokes

1) How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?

Have them miss every other note.

2) How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

3) What is the difference between a French horn section and a '57 Chevy?

You can tune a '57 Chevy.

4) What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?

A goalpost that can't march.

5) How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

6) Why is the French horn a divine instrument?

Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other? i) "Hi. I played that last year." ii) "Hi. I did that piece in junior school."

7) A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

Tuba Jokes

1) What's the range of a tuba?

Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

2) How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?

Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

3) How do you fix a broken tuba?

With a tuba glue.

4) These two tuba players walk past a bar...

Well, it could happen!

Percussion:

Percussionist Jokes

1) Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?

So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

2) What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

3) What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Drool.

4) How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?

The knock always slows down.

5) How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?

Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

6) Why do bands have bass players?

To translate for the drummer.

7) Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?

It took two hours to get the drummer out.

8) How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

i) "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?" ii) Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). iii) Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. iv) None. They have a machine to do that.

9) Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?

So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

10) What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

11) Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

12) In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed spoke to everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way. Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every colour but gold. Finally, in a small coffee-house, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile. "You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."

"But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"

"No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared. Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.

"Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?" Faisal gave him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy after beats on 7 and 13."

13) A drummer, king of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The storeowner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."

14) You're trapped in a lift with Hitler, Stalin and a drummer. You have a gun but only two bullets - who do you shoot?
The drummer, twice. (Can't afford to take chances!)

15) Why does a musician keep a pair of drumsticks on the dashboard? To park in the disabled bay of course. 

16) How do you know when a drummers stool is lopsided? all the drool runs out the same side of his mouth. 

17)  Q:    How do you tell which car belongs to the drummer ?
      A:    Its the only one with 2 dipsticks

18) What do you do to a musician who can't play his instrument? Give him 2 sticks and call him a drummer. 
       What do you do with a drummer who can't play? Take away 1 stick and call him a conductor.

 

Vocalist Jokes:

Soprano Jokes:

1) If you threw a violinist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?

(Two answers) i) The violinist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.

ii) Who cares?

2) What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

3) What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?

The lipstick.

4) What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?

The jewellery.

5) How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

i) One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

ii) Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.

iii) Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

6) What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?

About 10 pounds.

7) How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?

The horses seem very relieved.

8) What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?

Puts on her clothes and goes home.

9) What's the definition of an alto?

A soprano who can sight-read.

10) How do you know when there's a singer at the door?

She can't find the key and she doesn't know when to come in.

Alto Jokes:

1) What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?

Tenors don't have hair on their backs.

2) How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?

i) None. They can't get that high.

ii) Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

Tenor Jokes:

1) How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

2) What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?

A tenor.

3) How do you tell if a tenor is dead?

The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

4) Where is a tenor's resonance?

Where his brain should be.

5) What's the definition of a male quartet?

Three men and a tenor.

Bass Jokes:

1) How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?

Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

2) How do you tell if a bass is dead?

i) What's the difference?

ii) Who cares?

3) How many basses does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

Guitars:

Guitar Jokes:

1) What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?

The stage is level.

2) How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

3) How do you get a guitar player to play softer?

Give him some sheet music.

4) What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?

Both suck when you plug them in.

5) How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?

Put a chart in front of him.

6) How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

None--they just steal somebody else's light.

7) What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?

Counterpoint.

8) What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

9) What's the best thing to play on a guitar?

Solitaire.

10) How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

i) None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.

ii) One, but the guitarist has to show him first.

iii) Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

11) Whats the difference between radox bath oil and a drummer?
 Radox bucks up the feet
A drummer.........................

Conductor:

Conductor Jokes:

1) What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

2) A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road, which one do you run over first, and why?

The conductor. Business before pleasure.

3) Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?

They've had so little use.

4) What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertiliser?

The sack.

5) What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?

Not enough concrete.

6) Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?

The good news: it crashed.

The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

7) Why is a conductor like a condom?

It's safer with one, but more fun without.

8) What's the difference between God and a conductor?

God knows He's not a conductor.

9) What do you do to a musician who can't play his instrument? Give him 2 sticks and call him a drummer. 
     What do you do with a drummer who can't play? Take away 1 stick and call him a conductor.

Musicians:

Musician Jokes:

1) Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?

Because most shops close by six thirty.

2) How many soul fans does it take to change a light bulb?

Six - one to change it and five to say "It's not as good as the original, is it"

3) How do you become a millionaire playing jazz?

Start off as a billionaire.

 

A BIT OF A LONG ONE:

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't
serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between
them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to
augue the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar
and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a
second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this
relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender
notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out
now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a
3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have
a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're
looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major
development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything
else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out
under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in
horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of
a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale
correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal,
however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental,
and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so
patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become
alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

 

Definitions:

String Quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

Glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Subito Piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

Risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.

Senza Sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute in a few bars back.

Crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

Conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

Accidentals: wrong notes.

What is perfect pitch?  Throwing a banjo in the dust bin and hitting an accordion.

What is the difference between a rock band and a blue grass band? The rock band plays all night and never tunes. The blue grass band tunes all night and never plays.

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